What would the Marauders Map Say?
by Finicky Hobbit
Summary: The infamous guide to Hogwarts has already insulted Snivellus. How will it apprehend and baffle anyone else who crosses its path?
1. Default Chapter

Author's Notes: Alright, I wrote this story way back in February, so it might be a bit low. I'll try my best to edit as much as I can, though. This was posted on , so, noting that there are a hundred thousand HP stories on here, if someone has done this idea bfore, I didn't steal. 100 percent original. Thanks.

What Would the Marauder's Map Say..?

Prolouge

Silent as a hawk

Treacherous as a snake

More pompous than an eagle

Yet as still as a rock

Controll it, you must try

Keep the anger leveled or else

You shall pop into oblivion suddenly

Your fury seething from your apalled eyes

It burns

It burns and cuts and bleeds

With laughter

Your idiocy is its object of amusement

To stop being rash, you shall learn

If you were a tricksy one; a fool, a fly, a rat

This foursome shall not let you pass

To the open guide

If you remain on your toes, an agreeable little child

You shall come in; you'll see the way, around the pricks and passageways

But whether pleasant or dire

This map is atire

Of being goody-goody, a right little sweet one

Open up now, lead the way through, and beware of what you shall pass

In boasting and abusing this Map is first class.

Join Moony and Padfoot

Wormtail and Prongs

Who shall it insult next?

Do not be finicky, come in!

Author's Notes: Bad poem, I know. xP I wrote it in a couple minutes, so..yeah. Read on, and review! Thanks!


	2. Dudley is Deranged

Author's Notes: Chapter 1. I edited it a bit, but not completely.

What Would the Marauder's Map Say..?

Dudely is Confronted by the Map

The Marauder's Map lies mutely on Harry's bed at the Dursleys, where Harry had been rifraffing around to satisfy his curiousity about the on goings at Hogwarts. Harry has gone to take a stroll, leaving the map unguarded..

A certain pig-like boy has been gloating at Harry and the parchment for hours, so he tip-toes rather loudly up to the bed, trying to slink a look without people noticing the floor poundingâ€. He keeps a hand on his bottom, to be secure that the usual noises it makes would be hidden.

Slowly reaching towards the strange obejct, he sees to his surprise that it is no more than a blank piece of parchment. Why would anyone stare hours at a blank piece of parchment? He pokes it, and then impatiently starts shaking it. As if by magic, letters are formed upon the sheet. Dudley backs away, flabbergastedâ€. Was this one of those stupid Invisible Ink papers? Dudley viligantly creeps up to see what has been etched on the parchment now. He reads it, quivering slightly.

**Mr. Moony finds pork extremely delicious, compliments to Mr. Prong's Sunday lunches, but he wouldn't go near raw meat. Mr. Moony also suggests that Dudder try Fatkins. It truly works!**

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Dudley whines, very frightened indeed. Fatkins? Moony? Dudder?!?

**Mr. Padfoot wonders how Dudley, who is able to digest so much garbage, doesn't spend all day propped on a toilet. He also thinks maybe this is why his face is always so pink, controlling the haul all day**

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Dudley's fright has emerged into anger mingled with curiosity. Was this some wicked fashion of e-mail? How come Dudley doesn't get to have this sort of e-mail?? He reads on, grumbling to himself....

**Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot, but thinks that his face is pink because of his great oaf of a dad. As for all that waste from him eating; that explains what's in that bottom of hisâ€.. Mr. Prongs also suggests that Dudley keep away from his son; Mr. Prongs doesn't want his son to smell that hovel, it will make him insane, to compliment the nasty rumors. Curse that wheezer Fudge!**

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Dudley stares blankly, the dumb blonde in him standing out. A sudden light sparks in him, realizing what it meant.

"I am not an oaf! Your son probably is, you friggin' fairy!" Dudley hisses, leaning his face towards the Map.

Mr. Wormtail orders Dudley to get that reaking breath away from the Map. It's killing Wormtail—it's damn deadly.

Before his brain can process, he screeches and can't hold it any longer. He lets out a deafening fart and Harry, just approaching, knows it is him. Dudley barely makes it to his mum.

Harry is supposed to be grounded for three weeks for trying to sabotage Dudley, but luckily, Mad Eye Moody scares Vernon into agreeing to not ground Harry. That night, however, Vernon and Petunia become very curious as to why Dudley was screaming in the first place

Author's Notes: This was one of the less funny ones. Please, please take a minute to review. Thanksh.


	3. Vernon and Petunia

Author's Note: Read on!

What Would the Marauder's Map Say..?

The Pig and the Horse uncover the Map's Holiness.

Vernon has crept into Harry's room during the night. He sees a blank piece of parchment sitting on the bedside table. It twitches a little, causing him to jump a bit. Gesturing Petunia, she follows suit over to Vernon. They gawk at the parchment for the longest time, and then Vernon makes a brave attempt. He picks it up, his strong fingers clenching the Map firmly. Unexpectedly, words are etched on the parchment. Petunia gasps in horror, while Vernon lets go abruptly, letting it fall back onto the table.

"What is the cursed parchment??" gasps Petunia, her bony neck twitching.

"Some bloody trick paper, Petunia dear" growls Vernon.

They lean in close to the parchment to read the words etched on it.

"What the bloody hell is this??" swears Vernon. He looks carefully at the parchment as Petunia looks over him.

**Mr. Moony suggests that Vernon check his blood pressure, it seems as if his face is going to burst into pieces any moment. He also wonders how a git can't stand a simple word 'Magic', but allows a horse in the house. And don't wrinkle away the Map's unsoiled beauty, you pompous!**

Vernon is huffing madly now, his eyes gleaming in fury.

"They don't dare insult Petunia" he snarls.

Petunia appallingly winces at Vernon

"Meaning the horse comment was directed at me? Do I look like a horse to you?"

Vernon shifts uneasily.

"No, n-no dear! Of course not. The last thing you remind me of is a horse"

"Meaning I don't have a horse's majestic beauty?" she snaps.

**Mr. Padfoot thinks Vernon is high. Is he on cocaine? He also thinks that animals shouldn't come near the Holy Map**

Vernon gasps, "Holy Map? Padfoot? What in all hells?! Damn this thing!!" his anger rises, and he reaches for the map, stopping midway as he remembers it's magic.

**Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot, and also wonders how strange Vernon and Petunia's wedding day looked. He bets everyone thought that Petunia was some kind of stick, and Vernon is so damn fat you couldn't tell if he was alive; the expression on his face. Mr. Prongs is also ashamed of having muddy Muggles for in-laws, and feels sorry for his dear Lily Flower**

"Lily Flower? In-laws? D-does thisâ€is h-he...?" Petunia chokes croakily.

"But they're d-dead!" they shriek in unison, and run out of the room, greatly panicked.

**Mr. Wormtail thinks that Mr. and Mrs. Dursleys are bloody pigeons!**

Harry awakens, chuckling to himself at the fading letters on the Map. Tomorrow he would be leaving for Hogwarts

Author's Note: -dies from embarresment-. As I said before, this was written eight months ago, when I was an even worse writer than I am today. I did very slight editing, so please don't judge my skill by this thing. Review please!


	4. Crabbe is Crazed, Goyle is Gullible

Author's Notes: This one's alright.kind of. Not funny, but, alrightâ€.

What would the Marauder's Map Say..?

Crabbe and Goyle Obey the Map

Harry has arrived at school, where, in a rather unruffled state, he devours a delightful feast along side his chums. Content in laughing his head off over the anecdotes of the day, he drops a certain parchment upon the table.

He leaves for Potions abruptly as a few persons are trailing behind him

Crabbe and Goyle are gobbling the last of the pudding cake, grinning toothlessly as they approach the piece of parchment.

Remembering their need for a spare bit of parchment, they grab the scrap. Comprehending that there is only one, they come up with the decision to rip it in half. Each holding a corner, they pull heavily. Suddenly, words are etched upon the parchment.

**Mr. Moony would politely like to ask what the hell do these imbeciles think they are doing?? He also recommends you both take a shower, the stink is horrendous. Are they trying to kill the poor Map?**

They halt slowly; it dawns upon their thick skulls what it means. In curiosity, they both take a sniff of each other, fainting unexpectedly. A couple hours later, they awaken, continuing to read the paper.

**Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Moony and speculates if you two are Squibs. He also feels that you need to shave; your perspiring, furry, armpits are alluring for tropical animals'**

They nod in agreement and head for the bathroom, coming back with a handful of sodden hair. They hurl it onto the Map and curtsy down, worshiping its very existence.

**Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Padfoot is a bit screwed in the head, and that you two get that crap away from us, it's deadly. He also suggests pulling up your pants; can see both sides; you two critically need to use some toilet paper**

They beam merrily and start bopping in joy, skipping around the Map in unison.

"Tra-la-la! Tra-la-la-la! We alone sacrifice our most cherished item to you, oh Sanctified Map" they chant, offering a lengthy, plastic object to the Map.

**Mr. Wormtail doesn't even want to know what that is, but suggests that you both go jump of a cliff'**

They glance at each other in unity and nod. Running to the edge of the castle in harmony, they soar off, spreading their arms high, flapping them fruitlessly.

Oo

Three days later, a certain ferretboy reaches the Hospital Wing in boredom, ignoring Goyle's stupid laughing. He takes the Map from Crabbe's pocket, eagerly awaiting the mysteries lying ahead.


	5. Draco is Distraught

What Would the Marauder's Map Say..?

Draco Encounters the Map

Clutching the Map boastfully, Draco makes his way through the hall, taking no notice of the confused faces ogling by at him as holds the map at arms length stiffly, now resembling some sort of robot.

Strutting up the ladder to Divination, he has plastered a rather savage grin upon his visage, mentally doing a victory dance. Through the lengthy lesson in which the strong scent of perfume has trickled up his nostrils, indulging him as he carefully makes sure he doesn't fall asleep, he looses patience. Boredom now holds him in its subtle hands, and he thrusts open the map, glaring at it evilly as he shakes it around.

But right before his pale eyes letters are etched upon it and Malfoy squints his eyes, frowning in suspicion as he reads the inscription.

**Mr. Moony feels that Draco should've stayed a ferret-thing, being much better looking as such. He also holds the opinion that with a pointy chin like that Mr. Malfoy could stab himself... Mr. Moony also suggests that Draco take Remedial Quidditch, unless he wants the shit kicked out of him for the billionth time.**

Malfoy stares blankly, a tad horrified at this sudden slur.

"This thing is barmy. Nutty! Round the damn bend! I'll have my Father know about thisâ€you...you—."

Draco shakily points a finger at the mystery object, anger now seething through him like a rain gouge, trickling throughout him furiously.

**Mr. Padfoot asks Draco to greet his cousin for him, the idiot; she just had to send Padfoot through the Death Chamber, eh? He also wonders why he got Lucius's fat ass, and Narissca's repulsive expression; wasn't one enough? He also recommends that if he wants to help Harry kill Voldemort, wipe your hair on old Voldy, it'll kill him for good!**

Regaining his former rage, Draco prepares to leave in a cool manner; yelling would make him look unintelligent.

**Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot and wonders where he gets all that gel on his hair. Is he sure it isn't just piss? He also recommends that he stops trying to beat Harry in everything; the only thing that you are better at than him is winning Snivelly's heart. Your passion is deep; Prongs wonder when you'll finally confess your love**

Draco is infuriatedâ€..how did this wacko know about his secret? He begins to silently weep as they have uncovered his secretâ€â€his secret

**Mr. Wormtail agrees with all, but would like to add that the Dark Lord doesn't want a son of a dumb blonde as a servant. He also wonders why Draco loves flowers. His mum is a _Narcissi _flower, his girlfriend is a _Pansy_, and he's hates Harry just like _Petunia_. Mr. Wormtail expects Draco to run around with Snivellus in the flower field**

Draco blushes crimson, a dark flush that doesn't suit him at all.

Draco shakes his head looking up to see a rather horrific image of Trelawney....

"Mr. Malfoy! What are you doing? Give me that!" squeaks Trelawney, taking the map.

After class, she looks deep into the paper

Author's Notes: Coming up..Trelawney!


End file.
